Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Knowing When to Forgive

Three years ago, I went through something pretty rough, and it was honestly one of the hardest times I've gone through in my entire life up to this point. My husband left me for someone else, but only after five months of me taking him back and leaving and taking him back and leaving 5 total times. And it didn't end there, it took another 7 months before the divorce finally went through, and the emotional battle continued right up until the day after we turned in the papers when he revealed his girlfriend was now pregnant.

But something interesting happened amongst my friends and family members who were married... their husbands kept saying how forgiving I was. My friends have told me before that their husbands keep saying, "Why can't you be like Mycheille? She forgave her husband even though he cheated on her 3 times!"

I have been told this at least 4 times.

Here's the deal though... these men who think it's so nice for me to forgive like this, don't realize the toll it takes. I became a total shell of who I was. I almost forgot who I was, and it took almost 2 years for me to rediscover who I was. Sure, these men are not considering the cheating part of it, they just want a little slack and forgiveness since their misdeeds are not as great. But the problem is, if any person keeps doing the same misdeed, no matter how big or small, and the man/woman they love keeps forgiving them, eventually pieces of that forgiving heart start breaking. If you know that you are hurting that person whom you've sworn to love, maybe you should stop. Maybe, just maybe, you should start changing.

Do you know why I kept forgiving my ex-husband? Because I truly hoped that my act of forgiveness would transform him. That finally he would realize he shouldn't act like that anymore... but he didn't change, at least not for me.

So my lesson here, is if you know that your love has forgiven you for something, but you know it hurts them when you do whatever it is you did, stop doing it. Get help, get advice, have an accountability partner (a friend of the same sex) to keep you accountable. And I guarantee that when you work for your relationship, and you have to give up things, but you do it in a way that doesn't blame your partner, magical things will happen.

So don't tell me how great it is that Mycheille is so forgiving, because forgiveness without accountability is not always helpful. And don't forgive and forget... make a stand.

There is something I'd like to clarify though... I believe in forgiveness. I believe that for you yourself, forgiveness is freeing and protects your heart in a special way only God can do. So I'm not saying NOT to forgive, but TO forgive, but do something to show and express your hurt. What happens when both people work together though (as I said above) is peace... peace over both people. So often when someone has a problem, they like to think that when they are "forgiven" that they have gotten away with something. The fact is, if you are hurting someone, and you work to change whatever that habit is, and that person you love works with you, you get closer and the peace and exhilaration is far better.